Forgiveness & Trust

This is a major struggle for me. I definitely need to surrender to God in this area of my life because I have the hardest time with both.

I get so caught up in my hurt feelings and wanting to feel "vindicated" that once someone crosses that line, there is no return. Even if I'm cordial again I'm very guarded and cold. Being that way makes me very uncomfortable because it's the complete opposite of who I am.

No matter if it's friends or family,  once my trust has been violated or broken I turn to stone. I'll speak,  I'll even pray for them but I'm never really free or comfortable in that relationship again. 

I would never want God to deal with me that way. I fail him, break his trust and dishonor his friendship on a daily basis.  I need to trust Him to help me, not only understand true trust and forgiveness, but to always show it to the people he brings into my life.

Are We There Yet?...

It's blowing my mind that the same things I want/expect from friends and someone I can call my mate, are the same things that God wants from me. He expects me to be genuine in my dealings with Him, to do everything out of love for Him not obligation, to be honest even when my feelings or opinions aren't favorable towards Him, to have faith in the relationship that we've built and to protect and respect that relationship no matter what. 

In order for me to receive that kind of love from others, God wants to know that I'm able to reciprocate it and that I'm even able to recognize it. He wants to know that if I'm blessed with it I won't destroy it. He's teaching me how to know what true love and friendship really is. He's chipping away at this wall that life and pain and fear has helped me build and hide behind.  He's teaching me about forgiveness and loyalty and most importantly pure 100% unconditional love.  I want it but can I give it? I want it but am I able to accept it? I want it but will I recognize it? I want it and God wants me to have it, but much like a parent won't give an immature/irresponsible 16 yr old the keys to the car, he's not going to let me have it until I'm ready.