Dear Little Me...

i know i can't take away the pain in your heart.
i can't erase the things you now know or the things that shouldn't have happened.
i can only be here even in silence to comfort you and let you grieve

i can honestly say i know how you feel what you're dealing with is unimaginable
there aren't words to make it better but i'll always find love in my heart for you
i feel every ounce of the pain you do, and not because i choose to, but because i have to

you're a part of me.
you hurt i hurt.
what cuts you makes me bleed too
but i'm here
you're not alone

we share a bond in a lot of things but most importantly God.
we recognized Him in each other before anything else.
He'll give us both what we need always, for me to help you thru your painful times and you to hold me through mine.

i'm not afraid to face what ever may come because i know you believe in me.

its gonna be ok.
you'll heal.
i'll help you.
i'm here.
i love you.

love me.

Pray {w/o Ceasing}. God Handles The Mess

I usually make it a point to not comment on or get into debates about “religion”, I know from experience that there are very few people who are capable of having this discussion w/out immediately jumping to the defense, and or attacking the other party for their beliefs. What I also recognize is that alot of people whether they are for or against “Christianity” or “The Church” as a whole, confuse being religious w/having a relationship w/God and that is where the disconnect is.

Religion is a man made entity. Religion is based on humans trying to “get God” through ordinances, rules and works. Religion is based on mans attempt at reaching or “getting right” with God through our own deeds and abilities. None of this cultivates the relationship that is so important for us to have in order to truly know God and understand:

• His purpose in creating us
• Allowing us to be born into the families we were born into
• Allowing us to endure the tests and trials that He allowed us to face
• Ultimately being trusting of and faithful enough in Him to lay down our flesh and allow His spirit to move on our behalf.

I grew up “in church” if I learned nothing else about “church people” I learned that they are all human INCLUDING the Pastor and the officials. I’ve seen my own Pastors battle w/their demons right in front of the congregation, be it intentional or inadvertent, and most of the time it was being done subconsciously. I realize that most people who reject church (and I said MOST NOT ALL) do so because of a very real hurt or disappointment that they have experienced.

There was a point in time where I turned away from the church because of the things that I saw being done by the people that God supposedly chose to lead His sheep. I spent many years not being taught, not being fed, and not being in fellowship with the very people that God wanted to use to draw me closer and vice versa. Ultimately I returned because LIFE became too much for me to handle on my own. I walked away thinking “I don’t need church to know God. I can do this on my own.” As stubborn as I was and as far away as I felt eventually I dragged my tail right back to where HE told me I needed to be. I wasn’t there for Pastor so and so, or this Deacon, or that Usher. I was there to be obedient and to go in expectation that God had something for me. I went seeking Him and I got that and so much more.

The Pastor of the church that I was a member of up until May of 2009, was accused of sexually molesting a young boy from the age of 12 to the age of 18 when he finally told a guidance counselor at his school, who then reported it. The police got involved and there was enough evidence for this man to be arrested and charged w/this crime. I found this horrifying thing out one morning as I was getting dressed for work, and his name came flying out of the reporters mouth, I looked up and there was his mug shot plastered across the screen. MY PASTOR who on many an occasion has been left unsupervised w/my own son who at the time was only 12-13yrs old. MY PASTOR who has ministered to me and given me a message that was tailored just for me from God. I was completely devastated by that as were most of the congregation at my church. Lets face it no one wants to feel like they’ve been lied to, or taken advantage of and where children are concerned, hurting a child is inexcusable by HUMAN standards. My Pastor ended up committing suicide because of his indiscretions and I have to assume immeasurable guilt.

Dealing with that taught me that regardless of what Paul told Timothy about the “overseers and deacons being above reproach” when we are walking in our destiny and being obedient to God, and we make the choice to stop depending on Him, waiting on Him, trusting in Him, and listening to Him HE WILL DEAL WITH US ACCORDINGLY. When we make a conscious effort to instead of praying and seeking God for the strength to resist our temptations and the traps that the, enemy sets, instead we give into them HE WILL DEAL WITH US ACCORDINGLY. If God has elevated you and given you charge over even just one person, and you allow your fleshly desires to take precedence over being obedient, and responsible you will be dealt with. THAT very thing is what Bishop Eddie Long is facing right now. Its that very thing that Prophetess Juanita Bynum also experienced.

God continues to bless us according to our faith. Out of strong faith comes complete obedience because we trust that He will do exactly what He said he will do. God does not ever fail us WE fail Him when we believe and act in such away that says we don’t need Him and we can handle it on our own. The only thing that I have personally been able to do w/out God, acting on my own is fail, and make a complete and total mess of my life. BUT GOD!!!!

2Corinthians 12:19 says “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” God uses the least of us, the most misfitted person to do great things. Moses was a stuttering man, he told God I cannot speak eloquently yet you want ME to go tell Pharaoh to let all of these people go. He was operating out of his flesh. God knew exactly what he was doing, He knew that in using some one like Moses who did not speak well at all, who was not great in stature, and seemed highly unqualified ONLY GOD would get the Glory. We all have a purpose in this life each and every one of us was made for a specific reason, given gifts that will help us carry out that reason, and allowed to go thru some things that will strengthen us to understand what some one else may be dealing with. God will get his way EVEN if He has to break you in front of every body. People like my ex Pastor, and Biship Eddie Long are in desperate need of Prayer, not condemnation but PRAYER.

Were they both wrong? HELL YES!!!! I do not condone the selfish choices that they made which turned into years full of a bad disgusting habit. But at the end of the day, GOD WILL DEAL w/them (and me) accordingly. He is God all by himself.

The Lonely

Heart Ache is the most unbearable emotion. Its a frightfully painful thing, but its not unbeatable. Especially when you realize that you’re not alone. Desperation, anxiety and weariness are born out of the loneliness of heartache. The loneliness is what eventually consumes you.

I dedicate this to every and anybody who has ever felt like you were all alone in what ever has broken your heart. I know what that feels like, when all it would have taken was for one friend or family member or even the kindness of a stranger to remind me that I wasn’t alone.

For all the times no one had an ear, a shoulder, a hug not even a smile for me, I give you all, all of mine!

You’re not alone.

Words cannot express the way this poem moved me and sent me straight into tearful praise. God is an awesome God that he blesses one with this kind of talent and passion to love Him and share this gift with the world.

Stranger Things Did Happen

She woke up from a sound sleep when she heard her mother racing down the stairs. BANG! BANG! BANG! “I’m coming!” she heard her mother shout. There was something different in her voice, she didn’t sound annoyed as she should, for it to be three a.m. and for someone to be banging this loudly on their door. She recognized something in her mothers voice when she spoke those two words, that made the hairs on the back of her own neck stand on edge. She heard fear…..and it scared her shitless. She got up from her bed, careful as she could not to dare make one single sound. She crept over to her bedroom door and turned the knob slowly until the door cracked opened. She stuck her ear to the crack but wasn’t able to hear anything. She pulled the door open wider and stepped out into the hall way. As she looked up, she saw her step father at the back door pulling on his pants and stepping into his shoes all at the same time.

Before she could open her mouth they made eye contact. Not a single word was uttered between the two of them but they never broke eye contact. As he slowly opened the back door he held one finger up to his lips and signaled her not to say a word. He dug down into the brown wicker hamper that sat in front of the back door and pulled out a huge black gun. He tucked the gun down in his pants and quietly disappeared through what seemed like the smallest crack in the door way. As the door closed behind him she made her way over turned the lock back and slid the hamper back to its original position.  It was then that she heard her mother yelling
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS!”
The distress in her mothers voice startled her again. This wasn’t normal. Her mother was the bravest most fearless person she knew. Her mother taught her not to ever fear anything or anybody so what was she supposed to do now that her mother was the one scared to death?
“Who is up stairs Ma’am?” she heard a male voice say, but her mom was silent. “WHO’S UP THERE MA’AM?” yet another voice spoke but louder this time.
She knew she had to do something. She looked at the back door but she wasn’t about to leave her mother or risk getting her step dad caught.

She stood there and thought as deep as any almost 12 year old could and in a split second she knew she had to act as normal as the situation would allow. Her mom was down stairs falling apart. Her step father was gone leaving the two of them to figure it out and she at 11 1/2 had to be the grown up.
“Its me mom I’m up here!” she shouted out as she made her way down the steps into the living room. Stepping down off that last step it seemed like every thing began to move in slow motion. There were two white officers standing in the middle of their living room in a neighborhood where you never even saw a white person. The two men were both middle aged one of them was balding, and wearing a brown suit. He wandered around their apartment looking at pictures and picking up the nicknacks on the mantle piece as his partner a taller slimmer white man in a dark blue suit continued to badger her mother. He had a brown folder in his had that he kept holding up in her face shouting “Do you see what you’re married to? Is this the kind of man you’re laying next to every night?” Her mother began to sob and she became angry. “Read it Mrs. Anderson!” The officer shouted! ”SHE CAN’T SEE WITH OUT HER GLASSES!” the little girl yelled. She began to feel an over whelming rush of energy and fearlessness.
“You don’t have to yell at my mom she can’t see with out her glasses on!” She ran over and clung to her mother. “Well let me read it out loud for you.” The officer said sarcastically. “Three counts of assault, corrupting a minor, rape of a minor...", he continued but her throat got completely dry. Her little ears began to ring and every thing else he said after that sounded like it was chopped and screwed. Her mother held on to her hand so tight it was actually the only sense of being in that room the little girl had. It was like she was having an outer body experience. She knew in that moment.... that was the end of life as she had known it. She had to grow up a lot that night. That wasn’t the beginning, and she knew it wasn’t the end.

The Builder Not The Building...

If more people turned to the church out of their brokenness, or out of their sincerely seeking a healing and a change in their lives a lot more souls would be saved, a lot more chains would be broken, a lot more people would realize and utilize their gifts for the advancement of God's Kingdom. There would be a lot more focus on Him than on "them".

Every time some one finds out where I worship I get the *side eye* that has become associated w/the "Mega Church" but I've been worshiping w/ this church way before they were a Mega Church....I was drawn to the builder not the building! My faith is much much bigger than that, because I know many times when I was going through, and when I was literally at my lowest the pastor has delivered a message from the Lord that was meant just for me. When you go to God in expectation, when there is something eating away at you something that you haven't been able to find any earthly and tangible answer to or comfort for....THAT is God trying to get your attention.

So many people excuse themselves from the worship experience because of the people in the church and what they have done/said to make them uncomfortable, but are you there for them or are you seriously hungering and thirsting after what God wants you to know? If the church was a cheeseburger and you were starving would you not go get it because the the person serving it was mean, or over zealous, or an unwed mother, or an registered sex offender? What is more important? You being fed or you not dealing w/some one you deem as less desirable, and what about those times when we act in ways that are less desirable? What if God dealt w/us the same way we deal with each other?

Psalm 124:1-7 is dead on!

"If it had not been for the Lord on my side....where would I be? Where would I be?"

Lovely Bones

I talked to a great friend today who pointed out to me that I've in fact lent my back bone to some one who is unable to utilize their own. There is something very much alive in me that always looks past peoples faults and sees right to the core of what their need is. I've been in this position time and time again and I've come to the realization that - yes this is my gift, but at the same time I'm not using as God intended.

The time has come for me to truly find and walk in my purpose. I believe that what God has for me is truly just that. Obstacles come, road blocks are built, but I have to remain upwardly mobile and limber enough to jump those hurdles, and maneuver around those snares God allows the enemy to place in my way. I've fallen many times but I've always managed to get back up and run on.

I could easily focus on the losses, the missteps, the red zone turnovers of my life but, I'm choosing to focus on the victories!!! I'm choosing to look at me through Gods eyes and see what he sees. Most importantly I'm choosing to believe that this too shall pass.

In the Garden