The Lonely

Heart Ache is the most unbearable emotion. Its a frightfully painful thing, but its not unbeatable. Especially when you realize that you’re not alone. Desperation, anxiety and weariness are born out of the loneliness of heartache. The loneliness is what eventually consumes you.

I dedicate this to every and anybody who has ever felt like you were all alone in what ever has broken your heart. I know what that feels like, when all it would have taken was for one friend or family member or even the kindness of a stranger to remind me that I wasn’t alone.

For all the times no one had an ear, a shoulder, a hug not even a smile for me, I give you all, all of mine!

You’re not alone.

Words cannot express the way this poem moved me and sent me straight into tearful praise. God is an awesome God that he blesses one with this kind of talent and passion to love Him and share this gift with the world.

Stranger Things Did Happen

She woke up from a sound sleep when she heard her mother racing down the stairs. BANG! BANG! BANG! “I’m coming!” she heard her mother shout. There was something different in her voice, she didn’t sound annoyed as she should, for it to be three a.m. and for someone to be banging this loudly on their door. She recognized something in her mothers voice when she spoke those two words, that made the hairs on the back of her own neck stand on edge. She heard fear…..and it scared her shitless. She got up from her bed, careful as she could not to dare make one single sound. She crept over to her bedroom door and turned the knob slowly until the door cracked opened. She stuck her ear to the crack but wasn’t able to hear anything. She pulled the door open wider and stepped out into the hall way. As she looked up, she saw her step father at the back door pulling on his pants and stepping into his shoes all at the same time.

Before she could open her mouth they made eye contact. Not a single word was uttered between the two of them but they never broke eye contact. As he slowly opened the back door he held one finger up to his lips and signaled her not to say a word. He dug down into the brown wicker hamper that sat in front of the back door and pulled out a huge black gun. He tucked the gun down in his pants and quietly disappeared through what seemed like the smallest crack in the door way. As the door closed behind him she made her way over turned the lock back and slid the hamper back to its original position.  It was then that she heard her mother yelling
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS!”
The distress in her mothers voice startled her again. This wasn’t normal. Her mother was the bravest most fearless person she knew. Her mother taught her not to ever fear anything or anybody so what was she supposed to do now that her mother was the one scared to death?
“Who is up stairs Ma’am?” she heard a male voice say, but her mom was silent. “WHO’S UP THERE MA’AM?” yet another voice spoke but louder this time.
She knew she had to do something. She looked at the back door but she wasn’t about to leave her mother or risk getting her step dad caught.

She stood there and thought as deep as any almost 12 year old could and in a split second she knew she had to act as normal as the situation would allow. Her mom was down stairs falling apart. Her step father was gone leaving the two of them to figure it out and she at 11 1/2 had to be the grown up.
“Its me mom I’m up here!” she shouted out as she made her way down the steps into the living room. Stepping down off that last step it seemed like every thing began to move in slow motion. There were two white officers standing in the middle of their living room in a neighborhood where you never even saw a white person. The two men were both middle aged one of them was balding, and wearing a brown suit. He wandered around their apartment looking at pictures and picking up the nicknacks on the mantle piece as his partner a taller slimmer white man in a dark blue suit continued to badger her mother. He had a brown folder in his had that he kept holding up in her face shouting “Do you see what you’re married to? Is this the kind of man you’re laying next to every night?” Her mother began to sob and she became angry. “Read it Mrs. Anderson!” The officer shouted! ”SHE CAN’T SEE WITH OUT HER GLASSES!” the little girl yelled. She began to feel an over whelming rush of energy and fearlessness.
“You don’t have to yell at my mom she can’t see with out her glasses on!” She ran over and clung to her mother. “Well let me read it out loud for you.” The officer said sarcastically. “Three counts of assault, corrupting a minor, rape of a minor...", he continued but her throat got completely dry. Her little ears began to ring and every thing else he said after that sounded like it was chopped and screwed. Her mother held on to her hand so tight it was actually the only sense of being in that room the little girl had. It was like she was having an outer body experience. She knew in that moment.... that was the end of life as she had known it. She had to grow up a lot that night. That wasn’t the beginning, and she knew it wasn’t the end.

The Builder Not The Building...

If more people turned to the church out of their brokenness, or out of their sincerely seeking a healing and a change in their lives a lot more souls would be saved, a lot more chains would be broken, a lot more people would realize and utilize their gifts for the advancement of God's Kingdom. There would be a lot more focus on Him than on "them".

Every time some one finds out where I worship I get the *side eye* that has become associated w/the "Mega Church" but I've been worshiping w/ this church way before they were a Mega Church....I was drawn to the builder not the building! My faith is much much bigger than that, because I know many times when I was going through, and when I was literally at my lowest the pastor has delivered a message from the Lord that was meant just for me. When you go to God in expectation, when there is something eating away at you something that you haven't been able to find any earthly and tangible answer to or comfort for....THAT is God trying to get your attention.

So many people excuse themselves from the worship experience because of the people in the church and what they have done/said to make them uncomfortable, but are you there for them or are you seriously hungering and thirsting after what God wants you to know? If the church was a cheeseburger and you were starving would you not go get it because the the person serving it was mean, or over zealous, or an unwed mother, or an registered sex offender? What is more important? You being fed or you not dealing w/some one you deem as less desirable, and what about those times when we act in ways that are less desirable? What if God dealt w/us the same way we deal with each other?

Psalm 124:1-7 is dead on!

"If it had not been for the Lord on my side....where would I be? Where would I be?"

Lovely Bones

I talked to a great friend today who pointed out to me that I've in fact lent my back bone to some one who is unable to utilize their own. There is something very much alive in me that always looks past peoples faults and sees right to the core of what their need is. I've been in this position time and time again and I've come to the realization that - yes this is my gift, but at the same time I'm not using as God intended.

The time has come for me to truly find and walk in my purpose. I believe that what God has for me is truly just that. Obstacles come, road blocks are built, but I have to remain upwardly mobile and limber enough to jump those hurdles, and maneuver around those snares God allows the enemy to place in my way. I've fallen many times but I've always managed to get back up and run on.

I could easily focus on the losses, the missteps, the red zone turnovers of my life but, I'm choosing to focus on the victories!!! I'm choosing to look at me through Gods eyes and see what he sees. Most importantly I'm choosing to believe that this too shall pass.

In the Garden

Courage....A letter to God.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

If I had the courage I would be what you sent me here to be.

I would stand up and walk in my destiny with proud, wide steps. Nothing and no one would be able to distract me from living the will of my father in Heaven.

I would lift my voice high and mighty to sing your praises and reveal the gift you placed inside of me.

I would be fearless if I trusted you totally. No care or concern with what man may say or how people may feel.

I would truly know what it is to be free. Living my life for you which would be living my in the best possible way.

You are the strength of my life? Whom shall I fear? Every thing, and every body, never fully accepting that I don’t have to be afraid.

Afraid of "alone" not realizing, that is exactly where you want me so you can fix me.  Grasping at, praying for, almost dying, for some one to love me the way I am so willing to love. 

Giving it away for free, when You sent Jesus to pay the ultimate price for my love. In return what I give amounts to nothing, yet you still forgive me, protect me, provide for me and love me.

You still comfort me, you’re always here. You are the one constant thing in my crazy life.

No matter how far I stray away you’re always there, reminding me that I have a greater purpose.

A purpose that does not include misery, self-pity, or self-loathing. Your imagination is much bigger than that. I need to learn patience, discipline, and focus.

I need to find that joy and peace that only You can give me. I’m not going to find it in meaningless physical relationships. That hasn’t sustained me. 

Yes, if I had the courage I would trust in you to bring me every thing I need,  so I can be everything you made me to be. 

If I had the courage I would never forget that you don’t make mistakes. Lord teach me to trust you fully not just when it's easy to do so. Give me opportunities to trust that you know what is best for me.

I couldn’t possibly want better for me than you do. I can’t possibly be better at taking care of me that you have been.

You said in your word the desires of my heart will be mine as long as my one and only desire is to serve you.

Teach me the strength to go forward with out fear and doubt. Teach me to keep my eyes on you not my circumstances.

Remind me constantly that ALL THINGS work to the good of them that love you and are the called according to YOUR PURPOSE.

Give me the courage to stop looking back and forget those things that are behind me.

Give me the courage to press towards the mark for the prize of the high calling which is in Jesus Christ. Constantly remind me of the courage you have placed inside of me. 

And grant me not only the wisdom to see through the enemies tricks, but the strength and courage to resist them. 

Sincerily,

Me.